Ive no Title Friends

Cleanliness, I mean of ones character. How many live their lives in the pure, clean way. Does anyone? To make sense i should explain what I mean. I will speak for myself, because I cant truly know whether this applies to anyone else at the moment, I do however know it applies to me. I am not me and that fact is not evident 99% of the time. It is only on strangely fluid, calm nights like these that I see myself from the outside and from the inside. I am like a winter vagrant so wrapped up in filthy shambly layers that you dont know where one begins and the next ends. So all consuming they are that you cant even tell if the man beneath is truly a man any longer or simply some phantom cursed to walk out its demons until it can one day find peace. I digress. I have a core of being that is me, Id like to think its somewhat what child me was like. More carefree more aware of what it likes, simpler, like I said pure. Like me-concentrate, undiluted by everything else. But heaped mound after mound upon that pure expression of humanity are my skins, my shrouds, my rags, and my symbols, by the gods what would I do without the fake righteousness that permeates everything. I go though my day (usually) seamlessly fumbling with these various things showing one bit here before shuffling it away to expose another portions more falsely appropriate for whatever perceived effect is needed. This is somewhat repetitive. I’ve explained it enough for others to understand the point I’m trying to convey, further explanation would just be self congratulatory. ( Oh well done for writing down such shallowly profound ideas!) My point is this, When my wife walks in the door at night I want to great with my face, I want pure and true expressions, not some outer layer that I’ve forced forth out of fear. But conquering fears like that, it can be difficult once they are so very ingrained into your being(<- let the excuses commence!). Ill try( I WILL), and I hope if anyone does the same thing as I that they try to remove their layers too, not all at once, no that seems nigh impossible, but bit by bit. Be truthful, be honest, and expose that most tender of parts( the core of your being) to the world. A grand plan, one i truly doubt ill ever be able to accomplish but just think of it! The mental rewards would be a thing of beauty..... It would be truly living your life. And if some do live their lives this way as I think they do, then I respect you, no matter what you are. If you are able to live a life unclouded by self deception and hatred I will applaud you if ever I get the chance, how brave one must be to risk and ultimately endure the pain that comes from the disapproval, from the assault of that which makes up ones core, so beautiful and fragile and yet amazingly resilient if its allowed to be. One step at a time I suppose, Ill descend the steps and hope I dont find myself within the halls of madness before its all said and done. Everyone has their challenges and their issues, All I can deal with is to try and alter my own behavior and hope that I can hold off the layers from consuming me. I’m looking forward to trying to explain this in person to somebody, (Most likely my Wife!) Rambling Finished. Side note: if you search for "the precipice" in Google maps, at least at this time its conveniently located next to a McDonalds, How Grandly Convenient!

Coffee is nearest to godhood

Weird feelings my friends, the combination of love,  the desire for openness, lifelong commitment just fuzzyness in general with the fear of the destruction of a large and much loved part of ones life.  

I dont pretend to be unique, i like to think my eccentricities set me apart somewhat as is also the case with most people...? So the fact that they set me apart means im really still part of the norm, how joyous.  But ones own journey through life is undoubtably there own no matter how alike they may be to their peers.  

Its been a long tome since i left that terrible situation with mckenzie and heaped my hopes and a myriad of other things onto poor hip 18 year old Akira.  Things have gone well, things have gone not so well, theres been pain and hurt on both sides but also joy and happiness.  

Everything thats happened since that evening when i got an alarming phone call whilst sitting in my dorm room, jobless and fixated on the idea of wandering and just experiencing has shaped me both the failures and the successes (though god knows how many of those there have been). Ive learned to value what makes life important, and to try and keep in my head that we are all thinking feeling passionate people when dealing with any problems that i may face, stepping back and looking at things objectively and weighing the importance of everything is an empowering thing to do and its how i try to function when i can,  Ive strayed from that mindset, i surely have but im back to it, FINALLY.

But im confused, is there a human being out there who isnt?  Akira and i are getting married, for real, the planning has commenced, and i can see us being together forever , happy, building a family, but i can also see the vast array of ways this can go down badly, and having faith that none of those will come to pass and ruin the beautiful thing we have is trying, its just nervousness, being so close to something so important how can you mot doubt its actual fulfillment?

Akira and i have grown, we've changed ourselves, our lives have changed, and we've changed each other as well, but i still cant manage to not feel a rush of love and affection whenever i stare into her beautiful eyes thinking of being completely open with just her to share my life with her as she chooses to do the same, to have found someone like that and for it to be her is an indescribable feeling.  Though our bodies may change i pray our souls never will, May this feeling never fade. I wouldnt try to express how Akira feels, i can only hope its of equal intensity and filled with the hope for a happy future as well.

The ramble is finished, but may we never be finished ourselves.

Tl:dr go read any sappy description of an engaged couples relationship,youll get the point :3

Pointless

So, im feeling good tonight

im alone ive come to terms with that, i dare not say i wont relapse a handful more times but im ok!

Ive got someone who makes me happy, although at present the relationship is odd? but im me, and thats i need to remember, just trust myself and dnt take anything on faith from anyone else

the only person that can ensure things go smoothly is me , clear and in control of everything

im a good guy and i knw that, alot better then most although i do have my shortcomings and i regret them and what ive done to this world but hopefully i can make up for it.

Im going to buy my couch cover, thatll make me feel better too! not having a couch thats been effed up by other people. indeed!

Newest

Meeeeoooowwwwwww! =) Im ugly


but thats beside the point once again im afraid i fell off the wagon so to speak and stopped with these ramblings, im afraid u really cant blame me though.
Alot has happened since last i put my thoughts down. Ive left mckenzie for good that verbally abusive bulldog servicing Sasquatch can find her own damn way in life absent of me as a partner.

I am however with Akira now, Mckenzie has fallen into a drug induced shit spiral as i always suspected she would. the shit vultures are circling riding high on the thermals of shit awaiting their next meal and i can only hope they end up eating their fill

Pap Johns is still a poorly managed cesspool which i do not much care for, I'm still in school, probability, developmental economics, and history. in fact as i write this I'm in probability.

Oh Dear = 0 im afraid i havent been rambling much have i? more recounting things that have happened.

if everyone could see the splendor that is a cat wearing a cute little froggy costume would war still happen?

would we still be invading lybia if gadhafi has taken the time to parade such an infinitely cute symbol in front of his people and use it as a symbol of his regime?

Japan is fucked as well, completely, magnitude 9 earthquake? Tsunami? failing nuclear reactors? they will be fine they r the god damn japanese, people know internationally for their devotion to morality and yet their depravity? duality oh yess!

Mr. josh from my group in probability dropped out of school due to illness how horrid, i should think if such a thing were to happen to me i would just kill myself i can hardly bear being a semester behind in school, i cant imagine the feelings of wanton disappointment that would come with being completely out of it, i really would probably kill myself, my self worth shifts alot these days

one day i feel like a god come to earth, and the other im afraid to leave the house for fear of ridicule and embarrassment, then the next im lost in an infinitely deep and black swirling vortex of sadness and anger threatening to drag me down to its depths if i merely but misstep near its edge.

i really dont know what to do with my life currently im so lost, dirtbikeless and such


i have alot of money saved up but now that mckenzie left ill have to use it all on the apartment which means ill live in the place alone and isolated from the world but ill also use up most of my money. i dnt like this idea, but the alternative???? live with my parents, a godawful fate i would not wish upon myself, im too old for that is all

i cant keep going back

well everyones starting to file in so i guess ill stop this now though i cant say i really want to

im just going to go read some news

night night snugglemuffin miss =)

Long Awaited

Its been quite some time since itook it upon myself to write a new entry to my blog, i set aside such ponderous pondering as i had previously been writing. mostly because i no longer work at zwicker and associates so my mind is more full of the physical, driving talking, eating, crushing, calculating what have you. Ive found the more physically inclined i become i tend to think introspectively less, while i still have the capacity when i am engaged in a physical task i am just content and happy.

no inward peering is required to entertain me because i feel more at peace.

Papa johns is a cesspool full of poor souls who have lost their way in life with only a few exceptions. everyone theres is shattered soul doomed to forever wander the monotonous corridor of the service industry until they die unwanted and broken. when i imagine them i see them as zombies in tattered clothes searching and yet not even seeing life. how can one call that type of existence living. working all day every day for Papa JOhns???? the name itself is ludicrous, an embarrassment, but hey the founder has a shit ton more money then i probably ever will so who am i to criticize him. Akira is beautiful however, how could it be that ive met a girl i truly like AGAIN, the way her hair always falls in a manner as to block her one eye is gorgeous, it kills my heart every time i see it, but i cant drag her into my shit barn of a life, yeah Barn.

I think ill keep doing this again its really making me feel better

Working for papa johns? no money no EXPERIENCE, David has kids and doesn't even have their pix? who stays in that kind of a job for that long, im depressed at the very thought.

nothing profound out of me tonight im afraid , im going to go count my box and money now and check my phne every five minutes to see if akira has messaged me back on facebook, whilst simultaneously wondering if im coming off as too much of a creeper.

does that behavior actually make me a creepe? do creepers know they are creepers ? they must at least suspect it? or maybe they dnt and thts what makes them true creepers

ok

goodbye.

Saturday

A saturday morning always feels more invigorating then its weekday counterpart does it not?

i believe it the lack of activity. it just makes the world seem a little more cool and peacefull. i love it,

another saturday working at zwicker and associates unapreciated and unhappy.

Mckenzie became very angry with me after i told her we werent getting engaged because of how awfully she had treated me last time we did. one must be held accountable
for their actions. so she turned on the blinding light of my computer as well as every other light upstairs in an effort to disrupt my sleep no doubt
and she slept on the couch.

when i inquired of her as to why she slept on the couch she said and i quote

"Because down here is better then being with YOU"

June 11th

What monotony this job makes me put up with.
I cant believe that the majority of the human populace lives their every day like this
i should think if my days were consumed by nothing mroe then this horrendous "filing"
that i should live a decidedly short life.
Never to see the mountains, sweeping vistas, high peaks, the oceans depths
opting instead to live within a manmade shell of plasteer and cement.
yet this is how people live and so am i different form them in the fact that i am so extremely
discontent with this way of life?
or does everyone feel this way and they just put up with it and push it aside?
am i being childish to wish all this away, to wish for a more symplistic life of experience and fulfillment?


the conclusion i keep reaching is that most people must feel this way and that it is just my wander lust
of youth which makes me so yearn to escape.
i imagine that will fade as i grow older and i will be more content to become a member of the populace,but
that is why great things must be started young!

I dont want to be another blended uninteresting man shopping at the nearest grocery store and being content
to watch tv and talk to my bland emotional wife all in the name of stability and peace.
I want excitement , travel, experience. i want to see what the world can offer, and then pick that
choice which best fits. A settled life and wife would seem fine then i should think, but acheiving this
level of settlement without first experiencing life seems a tragedy.